


Sunken

by sonofapollo



Category: Dead Poets Society (1989)
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Character Study, Gen, Hurt, M/M, canon character death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-20
Updated: 2017-05-20
Packaged: 2018-11-02 23:26:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 940
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10954920
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sonofapollo/pseuds/sonofapollo
Summary: No one would be what Neil Perry was to Todd Anderson, and what Todd Anderson was to Neil Perry.





	Sunken

**Author's Note:**

> this is second-person point of view (todd's point of view) and this is kinda my first "character study" (bc i rlly wanted to indulge in one todd and what he felt after neil's death) and idk if i did it right or wrong? but either, hope you guys like this!

The world is shaking beneath your feet, and you feel it; you feel the harsh thump of your heart's beating against your chest and you can hear it in your ears as the blood courses through your veins quickly.

The frigid winter wind blows against you, but you pay no mind to it. A choked sob escapes your lips, and _fuck_ , now you know what the pain of losing someone. The bitter sorrow that wells up in your heart, and the disgusting taste of metal that you taste on your dry tongue as you collapse onto your knees on the snow. You don't care if the snow soaks through your beige slacks, you don't care about the snowflakes that land on you, you don't care about whatever sickness you may get from being out here, because none of that could compare to the pain you feel at the moment.

Nothing matters anymore, you mentally conclude. Now that the only person who has been able to keep you anchored, keep you sane, is gone, nothing is of matter anymore.

Without him, nothing matters anymore. You are nothing without him.

You can't even stand up, your knees quiver beneath you. You are unbalanced without him, because he was what kept you balanced. And now he is gone, and you are nothing without him.

But you have to stand up. You have to continue walking, moving on, but how the fuck was that possible when you just lost the only person who loved you the way he did in your life? It wasn't fair. Not after all he'd been through. It wasn't fair.

A hand touches your shoulder, your heart beat hammers against your chest and quickens, an inkling of hope makes you think it's him. Maybe he isn't dead. Maybe he's still alive, you think. Even though you know it's the delirium talking. And when you look up, you don't see his face, you see an equally pained, tear stained face that belongs to Charlie.

"C'mon, Todd. You need to get up."

His voice quivers and cracks at the edges. He's trying, you can tell. He's also in pain, you know he feels miserable, but not as miserable as you, as selfish as it sounds.

"Charlie, I—" You let out a sob, but no tears come out of your eyes. "I can't. I can't do this. I can't."

"Todd, please, get up." His voice is unstable, not the confident, cocky one you're used to hearing, but he's trying to keep up the act. "You need to get up. You're not going to stay here to get a hypothermia."

"Charlie—"

"Todd, please!" He sobs and his facade breaks. You try hard to continue crying. "I won't lose you, too! I can't lose you, too!" He cries out, grabbing a hold of your arm. With the least bit of strength that's left in you, you manage to get up with his help, and you lean against him, trying to find another type of anchoring, someone else to hold you up in the worst times. But Charlie can't do that, you're both broken and hurt, and _dammit_ , it's not fucking fair. It's never fucking fair for them.

**-§-**

The funeral service does not go by quickly. It goes on eternally. You didn't want to go in the first place, but it would be disrespectful not to attend your own late-boyfriend's funeral. Huh, you'd never thought you'd say something like that. But with Neil, everything had changed, and you never said or did things you ever expected to do.

It was painful, but you had cried and hurt yourself so much that you couldn't feel any more pain at all. You were numbed down to the core.

You tried to cry, you tried to feel something, but as you stared at Neil's pale, unmoving, dead body lying in the dark oak-wooden coffin, in that blasted suit that he'd used on one of your dates, you couldn't. You couldn't feel anything. Not anymore.

And as you heard his parents, Mr. and Mrs. Perry, crying in the corner, getting comforted by other parents and family members and friends, you couldn't help but feel angry. Instead of feeling pity or sadness for them, all you felt was the anger that rushed through your veins like hot, molten lava. They don't deserve to cry, when they were the ones who caused his death. They were the ones at fault; they were murderers.

But you held yourself together, just like Neil would have wanted it. And you tried not to lash out at them, just like Neil would have wanted it.

But you swore that one day, you would tell them the truth. You would tell them that they caused Neil's death. You would make them pay.

No matter how passive and peaceful you were, this was not the moment. With Neil, everything changed.

**-§-**

You knew you'd never get over him. He was your first and last, and no one forgets someone like that so easily. And even though you tried as hard as possible, you would never be able to get over him.

Not even meeting and dating new people, who were completely different from Neil, could take your mind off of him, despite it being years since the incident.

And you've come to accept it.

That no one else would make you feel the burning passion he'd made you feel. The never-ending love that he gave you, no one else would give it to you.

_No one would be what Neil Perry was to you, and you, Todd Anderson, were to Neil Perry._

And after twenty years...that was fine.


End file.
